“I swear on my baby girl’s life, I’m not exaggerating when I say that reading The Onion feels like rubbing an actual onion in your eyes,” said a satire, humor and vegetable expert—preferring to remain anonymous—about the experience of reading the popular-ish, fake-news website.
The Quadrangle reached out to an expert in gynecology, journalism, and fake-journalism—also preferring to remain anonymous. She disagrees. “The experience is as painful as conducting a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy [removal of both ovaries] by hand,” she said. “But reading The Onion causes more emotional damage.”
Although these experts and others—all anonymous—debate the kind of physical and/or emotional suffering which most closely resembles the feeling of TheOnion.com on the eyes, these real-life professors and professionals all agree about one thing—The Onion is a bunch of fags.
You’re not a fag, are you? You’re cool, right?
Come on. Take a hit of this. It’s not a big deal. Try it, and all your worries will melt away. It’s fine. Don’t be a square. All your friends are doing it. TheQuadrangleNews.com.