According to apparently depressed 35-year-old Timothy Warner, college will be “the best four years of your life, kiddo!”
ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY— Shocked and angered that they let this happen, the visibly shaken residents of 242 Terrace Court were appalled to find that everything in their apartment was stolen.
“It’s pretty scary, heading into life alone,” the outgoing, personable white male with multiple employable skills and classic good looks confided in earnest.
Four Universities—the University of California, Los Angeles, the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Washington, and Northwestern University—all accepted University of Arizona undergraduate and habitual drinker Mark Schiller into their graduate programs in medicine.
Last Tuesday evening, University of Southern California student Aaron Muller and his Fitbit activity tracker mistook a wild, frenzied masturbation session for fifteen minutes of exercise.
Austin, TX— On Thursday night, campus police broke up a party hosted by a University of Texas at Austin fraternity for noise, of all things.
Label-less college sophomores Max, age 19, and Jennifer, age 20, have made a mature decision. The couple won’t date anyone else and will continue to sleep together, because neither, Max and Jennifer explained, are ready for a relationship.