Sean Spicer: Even The Romans Didn’t Torture

Sean Spicer: Even The Romans Didn’t Torture

WASHINGTON— In his daily press briefing on Sunday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer shocked many in attendance by comparing the Syrian regime to 1st century Romans.

In what seemed like improvised remarks, Spicer defended the recent US attacks on Syrian government airstrips and ISIS strongholds. “These people are bad people. They torture their own people. Not even the Roman Empire tortured.”

Reporters quickly asked Spicer to clarify, reminding him of Jesus Christ, who was crucified in the year 33 by the Romans, and also commenting that crucifixion is a form of torture. “Thank you,” Spicer replied, “I mean—what I mean is that, these people in Iraq [we think he meant Syria] torture their own. They torture innocent citizens.”

Spicer was interrupted again by several reporters attempting to follow up on the assertion that Jesus was not innocent. The statements have sparked a backlash from Christian groups across the country. The American Family Association released the following statement:

To imply that Jesus Christ was not tortured on the cross is the worst kind of fake news. Sean Spicer must apologize and be reprimanded for denying the crucifixion of Jesus, and also for using the term “crucifixion centers,” which we’re not even sure were a real thing.

Spicer has since apologized for his remarks, but in the process stated that Buddhists are not persecuted anywhere, the best topping for French fries is mayonnaise, and that Chicago sports teams are not very good. We will update this article when he apologizes for those statements.