Pope Declares Every Day Without Plane Crash a Miracle

Pope Declares Every Day Without Plane Crash a Miracle

ROME— In an address at the Vatican on Wednesday, Pope Francis devoted a large portion of his speech to the topic of human aviation, saying, “It is by His divine grace that it occurs sometimes an entire day in which no planes crash. He truly is a merciful God.” The leader of the Catholic church went on to condemn the “ungodly practice of human flight” as an affront to God’s will and a violation of “His law of gravity.”

According to FAA statistics, the global rate of plane crashes has been on a steady decline since the 1970s, and the numbers suggest that aviation incidents are incredibly rare, but the Pope told gatherers this week that flying in an airplane is akin to “spitting in the face of God,” and the fact that God does not respond by “downing every single vessel that nears his domain” is itself “a true miracle.”

The Quadrangle reached out to Tom Zoeller, acting Executive Director of the National Transportation Safety Board, who said via email:

“Flying is perfectly safe. While it is true that without the bountiful mercy of our Lord all the airplanes would fall right out of the sky right now, we are blessed with a loving God who only sometimes makes planes crash. It really is an amazing world we live in.”

The Quadrangle also spoke with Chicago area priest Nathaniel Crown to get his take on the announcement. Crown said that he was instructing his congregation to think about all the days in which there are no planes crashes, and to pray for those days. “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away,” Crown said. “But sometimes He forgets that airplanes are the devil’s playthings, and so He does not strike them to the ground. As the Pope so rightly decreed, those days are miraculous days.”

To get the other side of the story, The Quadrangle sent a letter to United Airlines with a list of questions enclosed. Their response, however, was a single sheet of paper with “FORGIVE US” written in blood.

At press time, no planes have crashed today. Praise the Lord.