A groundbreaking study from Northwestern University is making headlines this week for purporting to demonstrate that sexual monogamy is unnatural for the human species. The study’s lead author, Dr. Heinrich Appelbaum, explains that his research was based on morphological data, genetic analysis, and a few dozen text messages he found on his ex-girlfriend’s phone.
“In sexually promiscuous animals,” the paper reads, “you often find a high degree of sexual dimorphism, as well as some mysterious new lingerie in Laura’s underwear drawer. Human males are approximately 20% larger than females, which appears to indicate that no matter how much you loved her, Laura was biologically programmed to stray from your two-year relationship when she became intoxicated in Bora Bora.”
The following paragraph in the report remains illegible– despite The Quadrangle’s best efforts– due to several wet splotches and a red smudge that looks like it came from a Hot Pocket.
The results of this study have been met with some criticism. Famed primatologist Dr. Marie Goldblatt released a statement calling the research “deeply flawed,” noting that it fails to account for seminal vesicle size, the girth of the female oviduct, and the fact that her boyfriend David “would never do that.”
Dr. Appelbaum was quick to respond to critics. “Only 3-5% of mammals practice some form of monogamy,” he explained at a press conference while running a series of personal photographs through an electric shredder. “The evidence is objectively clear, and anyone who thinks otherwise is simply not listening to Henry [my recently divorced friend].”
At press time, Dr. Appelbaum was drawing a graph entitled “Number of Fucks I Give vs. Time” on the back of a napkin at a nearby bar.