The Quadrangle is shocked and saddened to report that the University of Michigan marching band has died.
Founded in 1896, the Michigan marching band has been an integral part of UM football games for over a century. The stellar ensemble of winds and percussion provided pep and cheer for undergraduate sports fans, and added to the formidable presence athletics has on the Ann Arbor campus. It will be missed.
Although the official cause of death is under investigation by campus police, sources close to the band have suggested that trombones were involved.
The marching band’s passing rocked the University, as well as the nation. When asked about the tragic incident, sophomore Zach Bronson responded, “Dude… no way, bro. Like, no freakin’ way, bro.” Another student, freshman Michael Taylor, added, “Whaaaaaaaaaat?”
This loss not only affected students, but also struck faculty and administrators with sadness and grief. Upon hearing the news, University President Mark Schlissel tweeted, “Dude, weak.”
The University of Michigan office of student life released the following short statement:
Our marching band was, like, super rad. It sucks that they died or whatever. That totally blows. It blows hard. Wasn’t that one kid Brian in the marching band? He had, like, dorky glasses and was a total fag. Weird that he’s dead, though. Whatever. It kinda sucks, though.
The thoughts and prayers of everyone at The Quadrangle are with the marching band’s family. Rest in 268-piece.