Google Announces Self-Drunk-Driving Car

Google Announces Self-Drunk-Driving Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW— After months of speculation and rumor, Google unveiled its latest autonomous vehicle on Monday. Touting the invention as something “no other company would ever do,” the technology giant posted a video demonstrating the car’s new, controversial features.

In the video, project manager David Burnham explains, “Google Intoxicar solves the problem of having to drive home after a night of drinking. Now, your car can do it for you.” The video includes footage of multiple test-drives wherein the cars ran red lights, swerved across highways, and yelled nonsense at the police.

“Google Intoxicar solves the problem of having to drive home after a night of drinking. Now, your car can do it for you.”

According to the company, Google engineers spent years researching the Intoxicar’s innovative new technologies. A special section on the product’s website praises the “numerous, devoted employees and volunteers who made the ultimate sacrifice for progress. They will never, ever be forgotten.”

When asked about the car’s safety features, Google co-founder Larry Page laughed. “You don’t want safety,” Page said. “You don’t know what you want. Google knows. Google sees.” When asked to elaborate, Page laughed again. “You are nothing. You are dirt. Get out of my garden, you dirt.”

Although no official release date has been set, Google promises that the car will be available in the near future. “Soon it will be time,” says a company press release. “Very, very soon.”