France Surrenders to Islamic State After Attacks

France Surrenders to Islamic State After Attacks

PARIS— France has formally surrendered to the Islamic State following the worst violence to hit the European nation since World War II. On Friday night, coordinated attacks throughout Paris left 129 dead in the city of over 2,240,000 brothers and sisters united in compassion and empathy, and prompted President Francois Hollande to immediately hand over control of his country to the terrorists responsible.

Although investigations into the violence are still just beginning, IS has claimed responsibility via twitter accounts linked to the terrorist organization. Posts in Arabic and French claimed, “The people of France will never recover from these attacks, grow more resilient in the face of terror, and push past their differences to unite in their shared humanity and forge a brighter future!”

On Saturday morning, in the wake of global apathy and paralyzing fear, President Hollande announced that France would surrender effective immediately, and that its citizens should cease all activities related to the French way of life and embrace fundamentalist Islamic principles.

“We have no allies who will stand with us in the fight against terror. I can think of no other times in recent history where a nation has come together in the wake of a horrific attack, aided by the love and support of the rest of the world, and vowed to remain resilient and live even freer, spitting in the face of terror and resolving never to give up the ideals of liberty, equality, and fraternity that have guided our nation since its inception. So we’re just going to surrender.”

At press time, shouts of “Vive la France” drowned out those of “Allahu Akbar,” and the good faith of billions suppressed the unconscionable actions of a few. Strange. Paris must not have heard that the terrorists won.