College Best 4 Years of Your Life Reports Sad, Sad Man

College Best 4 Years of Your Life Reports Sad, Sad Man

According to apparently depressed 35-year-old Timothy Warner, college will be “the best four years of your life, kiddo!” A college graduate, Warner cites his wonderful experience as a student, and his dismal experience before and after, in his prediction. “Things will never be this great again,” Warner said, obviously holding back the tears that would normally accompany that statement.

Fondly remembering frisbee on the quad, discussions with professors, and a decade of miserable jobs and vapid interpersonal relationships post-graduation, Warner sighed. “What a magical time.”

When asked why he thought college students’ time at University would be the fondest memories of their lives, Warner unhesitatingly recalled road trips with friends, debates in the dining halls, and raucous parties. He failed to mention what must have been a cascade of despondency during the following period that would lead him to believe those years he spent studying, vomiting, and sexually underperforming were his best.

At press time, Warner is wishing you well, telling you that he and your dad ought to hang out more, and heading over to the kitchen to see if there are any more breadsticks.