Scientists Invent First Robot That Doesn’t Want to Fuck

On Sunday, scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced that they had created a humanoid automaton that has no desire for procreation. If confirmed by the scientific community, this invention would represent a major breakthrough in robotics, a field which has, to this point, only created robots who really want to fuck.

Google Announces Self-Drunk-Driving Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW— After months of speculation and rumor, Google unveiled its latest autonomous vehicle on Monday. Touting the invention as something “no other company would ever do,” the technology giant posted a video demonstrating the car’s new, controversial features.

Nodding Intern Completely Lost

According to The Quadrangle’s sources, area intern Ethan Baker, a rising sophomore at Brown University, is currently nodding his head in an affirmative manner despite understanding none of the information being presented to him.