ROME— In an address at the Vatican on Wednesday, Pope Francis devoted a large portion of his speech to the topic of human aviation, saying, “It is by His divine grace that it occurs sometimes an entire day in which no planes crash. He truly is a merciful God.”
“We’re deeply saddened by this tragic and confusing loss,” said Sgt. Don Proctor, chief officer of the Malibu police department, in a press conference Monday morning.
South Bend, IN— After consulting with medical and spiritual professionals, 38-year-old office manager Craig Thornton arrived at the conclusion that he no longer has any good reason for being a total piece of shit.
According to apparently depressed 35-year-old Timothy Warner, college will be “the best four years of your life, kiddo!”
For the third time since 2013, unknown hackers stole and leaked explicit and pornographic images from celebrities’ mobile phones and other devices. In contrast to previous leaks, however, the latest features all male celebrities.
WASHINGTON— In his weekly address Saturday, President Obama apologized to the nation for uttering the word “fuck” while sitting behind his desk in the oval office.
ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY— Shocked and angered that they let this happen, the visibly shaken residents of 242 Terrace Court were appalled to find that everything in their apartment was stolen.
On Friday, 3-year-old Wyoming resident Kyle Toddingham was robbed of an important learning experience when he burnt himself on the open flame of his family’s stove.
According to The Quadrangle’s sources, area intern Ethan Baker, a rising sophomore at Brown University, is currently nodding his head in an affirmative manner despite understanding none of the information being presented to him.
PARIS— “In recent months, thousands of Syrian refugees have fled heinous acts of terror in the Middle East, and embarked on a life-altering and painful journey to seek safe haven in Europe so they can commit heinous acts of terror,” said Pierre Duval, a member of the National Front, an economically protectionist and socially conservative French political party.