Pope Declares Every Day Without Plane Crash a Miracle

ROME— In an address at the Vatican on Wednesday, Pope Francis devoted a large portion of his speech to the topic of human aviation, saying, “It is by His divine grace that it occurs sometimes an entire day in which no planes crash. He truly is a merciful God.”

Area Man Out of Excuses

South Bend, IN— After consulting with medical and spiritual professionals, 38-year-old office manager Craig Thornton arrived at the conclusion that he no longer has any good reason for being a total piece of shit.

Everything In Apartment Stolen

ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY— Shocked and angered that they let this happen, the visibly shaken residents of 242 Terrace Court were appalled to find that everything in their apartment was stolen.

Nodding Intern Completely Lost

According to The Quadrangle’s sources, area intern Ethan Baker, a rising sophomore at Brown University, is currently nodding his head in an affirmative manner despite understanding none of the information being presented to him.

“Fuck It, Let’s Just Go Home,” Say Refugees in France

PARIS— “In recent months, thousands of Syrian refugees have fled heinous acts of terror in the Middle East, and embarked on a life-altering and painful journey to seek safe haven in Europe so they can commit heinous acts of terror,” said Pierre Duval, a member of the National Front, an economically protectionist and socially conservative French political party.