Everything In Apartment Stolen

ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY— Shocked and angered that they let this happen, the visibly shaken residents of 242 Terrace Court were appalled to find that everything in their apartment was stolen.

Nodding Intern Completely Lost

According to The Quadrangle’s sources, area intern Ethan Baker, a rising sophomore at Brown University, is currently nodding his head in an affirmative manner despite understanding none of the information being presented to him.

22-Year-Old Alcoholic Admitted to Medical School

Four Universities—the University of California, Los Angeles, the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Washington, and Northwestern University—all accepted University of Arizona undergraduate and habitual drinker Mark Schiller into their graduate programs in medicine.