RALEIGH—Insisting that you just wouldn’t get it, on fire girlfriend Amy Travers said Wednesday that everything is fine, just let it go.
According to apparently depressed 35-year-old Timothy Warner, college will be “the best four years of your life, kiddo!”
ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY— Shocked and angered that they let this happen, the visibly shaken residents of 242 Terrace Court were appalled to find that everything in their apartment was stolen.
According to The Quadrangle’s sources, area intern Ethan Baker, a rising sophomore at Brown University, is currently nodding his head in an affirmative manner despite understanding none of the information being presented to him.
“It’s pretty scary, heading into life alone,” the outgoing, personable white male with multiple employable skills and classic good looks confided in earnest.
Last Friday, The Midsummer Players put on a production of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet on the South Quad, which was, I think, an absurdist adaptation of the play.
Four Universities—the University of California, Los Angeles, the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Washington, and Northwestern University—all accepted University of Arizona undergraduate and habitual drinker Mark Schiller into their graduate programs in medicine.
The Quadrangle is shocked and saddened to report that the University of Michigan marching band has died.
A groundbreaking study from Northwestern University is making headlines this week for purporting to demonstrate that sexual monogamy is unnatural for the human species.
Last Tuesday evening, University of Southern California student Aaron Muller and his Fitbit activity tracker mistook a wild, frenzied masturbation session for fifteen minutes of exercise.