BREAKING — A broken escalator has left 27 shoppers stranded on the bottom floor of a Miami Nordstrom. The upscale retailer has a policy that reserves their in-store elevator for the handicapped only.
The inconvenience has left able-bodied customers with a difficult question: Do they use the stairs?
Customers like businessman Mark Pitman, who already has a cart filled with numerous articles of clothing, are skeptical they can lug their bags up the stairs without hurting themselves or increasing their heart rate a bit.
However, if the stranded do use the stone-age escalator and leave their items behind, they risk the possibility of other shoppers with similar dimensions and taste snatching them up.
When The Quadrangle suggested Pitman place some items back on the racks to make the load more reasonable for upward transport, Pitman chuckled to himself. “But then I wouldn’t have them. What kind of question is that?”
Pitman proceeded to pile his brand-name polos, belts, and shoes into his arms, totally obscuring his view, and began a shaky ascent. “I swear to God, if I break a sweat,” he muttered to himself.
At press time, the shoppers—now stranded for more than five hours—are taking matters into their own hands. Pitman, who gave up halfway, is tightening a leather shoelace-turned-tourniquet around his leg and sporting a maniacal grin.
“I’ll show the fuckers who’s handicapped.”