6 Ways to Avoid a Hangover, You Fucking Child

6 Ways to Avoid a Hangover, You Fucking Child

1) Drink Liquor Before Beer. The key to avoiding the dreaded “hangover” the morning after a raucous night out on the town is to keep track of what you drink. Or you could just acknowledge the fact that at this very moment boys half your age are fighting and dying in wars they can’t even understand, and finish whatever’s in your cup you ungrateful persnickety fuck.

2) Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate.  Consume plenty of fluids to avoid the debilitating effects of dehydration. It would be unfortunate if your conscious choice to destroy your body was accompanied by its corresponding side effects. Or maybe I should just breastfeed you, you overgrown baby with adult hair.

3) Take Ibuprofen. After a long night of drinking, pop a few of America’s favorite pain killers to dull the throbbin’ in your noggin, and remember that your disgusting overindulgence is only a childlike display of pseudo-rebellion to mask deep-rooted fears of inadequacy. Pussy.

4) Eat Greasy Foods.  If, despite your best efforts, you wake up to find yourself with a case of the “drink binkys,” head to your favorite down home breakfast joint to gorge on dead pig and starch bombs. Then take a good hard look at every other contributing member of society around you, fuck off, go home, and cry to your mom about your shitty math TA ya’ little bitch.

5) Stay away from the light. Oh is it too bright outside for you? You wanna stay in bed? Good. Maybe there you can contemplate the waste of brain space that is your skull cavity and why your pubes still haven’t grown in Mr. Toddler Balls.

6) Kill Yourself. IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT THEN CHECK THE FUCK OUT PISS PANTS. DRINKING IS FOR ADULTS AND MACHINES ONLY.  PASS THE KEROSENE PLEASE.