22-Year-Old Alcoholic Admitted to Medical School

22-Year-Old Alcoholic Admitted to Medical School

Four Universities—the University of California, Los Angeles, the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Washington, and Northwestern University—all accepted University of Arizona undergraduate and habitual drinker Mark Schiller into their graduate programs in medicine. According to his friends, Schiller drinks himself to unconsciousness nearly every night of the week.

On his applications, Schiller cited his excellent grade point average, his research with U of A faculty, and his penchant for community service as reasons the highly competitive programs should accept him. Schiller’s applications included no mention of his tendency toward aggressiveness while intoxicated, his inability to function socially without the aid of alcohol, or his deep biological and chemical urge to drink.

For his essay, Schiller wrote about the passion he developed while interning for five months at the UCLA medical center in his hometown of Los Angeles. Schiller failed to disclose that he secured the internship by befriending faculty during a previous six-month stay at the center, after drunkenly fracturing his spine when he missed the pool from the roof of the Beverly Hills Marriott.

A frequent attendee of on-and-off campus social events that provide alcohol indiscriminately, Schiller developed a crippling addiction to the substance that now causes his body to tremor slightly when deprived of it for more than twenty-four hours. He will study to be a surgeon.

At press time, Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine has an acceptance rate of 2.1%.