South Bend, IN— After consulting with medical and spiritual professionals, 38-year-old office manager Craig Thornton arrived at the conclusion that he no longer has any good reason for being a total piece of shit.
According to apparently depressed 35-year-old Timothy Warner, college will be “the best four years of your life, kiddo!”
We all enjoyed Pixar’s 2015 film Inside Out, as well as the lovable cast of characters that represent the emotions inside us. But the final cut of the film only included the five most basic emotions—Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust, and Sadness—instead of the 50 emotions that the writers originally envisioned, which more fully describe the human condition.
For the third time since 2013, unknown hackers stole and leaked explicit and pornographic images from celebrities’ mobile phones and other devices. In contrast to previous leaks, however, the latest features all male celebrities.
WASHINGTON— In his weekly address Saturday, President Obama apologized to the nation for uttering the word “fuck” while sitting behind his desk in the oval office.
ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY— Shocked and angered that they let this happen, the visibly shaken residents of 242 Terrace Court were appalled to find that everything in their apartment was stolen.